Do You Have a Case of the Shoulds?
Life is filled with responsibility. Sometimes, we welcome it and sometimes we don’t. If we’re not careful, in the midst of the chauffeuring, cooking, and correcting our kids, we say yes when we mean no, stay busy when we need rest, and neglect our needs for their wants. We live in the shoulds.
Some shoulds are okay. They build relationships, protect our kids, and guide our wellbeing. We join a small group, volunteer in the classroom, and workout when we’d rather not. Our life is better — and we’re better — for saying yes.
But, shoulds have a dark side, too. It's called guilt.
Have you ever said no to an invitation, only to toss and turn at night thinking about your choice? Ever wonder if you damaged a relationship because of small thing you didn’t do? Shoulda, woulda, coulda wreaks havoc on our emotional and physical wellbeing.
I’ve been captive to shoulds for most of my life. I’m a Type One on the Enneagram and Responsibility is in my top 5 strengths on the StrengthsFinder assessment. I can should with the best of them.
I’ve said yes to things I didn’t want to do, gone place I didn’t want to go, and taken a paths I didn’t want to follow because I thought I should. At the time it was the “right” thing to do. In the big picture, these should-driven yes’s did nothing but create temporary discomfort or unhappiness. These behavioral shoulds didn’t do long-term damage to my wellbeing. Sometimes they actually enhanced it.
The most destructive ones, however, are the self-imposed shoulds. The ones that reveal character “flaws” or identity deficiencies. There are shoulds that make me believe there’s something wrong with me or scream “you’re not normal.”
Here are a few things on my personal short list:
I should be more social. Why am I so comfortable at home?
I should be more spiritual. Why is reading my Bible and praying so hard?
I should be more content. Why am I always craving change.
I should be less anxious. Why can’t I fix it myself?
I should be more patient. Why do I get so frustrated so quickly?
The damage is in the “be.”
It’s the character shoulds that damage our wellbeing the most. Satan weaponizes them to tell us we are nothing, nobody, no good. And they’re lies — all of them. Sometimes, I remember that. Most often I forget.
When I’m not mindful, character shoulds dictate my emotions, decisions, and attitude. They keep me stuck in self-pity. They prevent me from recognizing my holiness, not because of anything I’ve done but because I’m created in the image of God. I allow the deception to drown out the whispers (and shouts) of Christ who says, “Heidi, I love you. Just as you are.”
The only “should” that should guide our life is this passage from God’s word.
“You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.”
— Matthew 22:37-39
No more. No less. Let love guide your shoulds — with yourself and others.
Allow the shoulds in moderation. Maybe it looks like:
Joining a small group (even when you’d rather not)
Reading your Bible (even when you’d rather check Facebook)
Letting the car into your lane (even when you’re already late)
Going to your kid’s games and concerts (even when they’re riding the bench and the music isn’t great)
I may or may not have firsthand experience with these shoulds over the years…
Never forget to say no, too! Margin and boundaries are one of the greatest acts of love we can give ourselves and others. When you have a choice to make, pay attention to the “why” behind your decision. Listen to the inner dialogue (and the whisper) that’s the distinction between what you do and who you are.
Let’s stop letting Satan should on us. I’ll fight if you do.
Should we?
